right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
