i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
