i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize