Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
