anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
