I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
