I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
