Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
