I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
