I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
