The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
