you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
