he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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