I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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