he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
