My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
