im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
