the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
