My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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