Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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