how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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