So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
