Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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