Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
