Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
