I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
