when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
