he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
