glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
