i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
