i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I look better un-naked...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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