My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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