the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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