I puked a lego.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
