Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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