i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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