Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it's like iHOP with fire
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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