What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
