it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
