my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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