U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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