I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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