You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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