There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
