I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
