you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
