oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
