I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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