I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
