also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
