She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
